SEXUALITY: ⚢ + my bf
hi there, i'm naa! i'm a senior student who is looking to become a video game developer in the future. i'm practicing digital art and 3d modeling, and i have a deviantart here where i post stuff i make.
some things i like!
i also really love languages and learning them! i think they're all super neat in their own way and i've dabbled in many of them; i have tried my hand at french, spanish, japanese, korean, danish, dutch (and have minimal fluency in them) and i'm currently learning german.
i have a cat and dog! they're not technically mine since they belong to my dad's girlfriend, but i consider them my pets all the same.INTO THE BLUE
i used to struggle a lot with self image and girlhood; i used to hate pink and all things feminine and i used to be uncomfortable even being acknowledged as female. i have long since overcome my internalized self-hatred for being a woman and now i love girls more than anything on planet earth. here is my shrine to girls and to myself for becoming better and learning to love femininity.
i'm self conscious, finicky, and high maintenance. i overshare too often (as you can probably tell) and i speak way too much. i have a difficult time trying to curb myself when i'm on a tangent. trying to get better has not been easy but i'm working on it.
jan. 2 - day back
it was my first day back to school since the winter break and man did the day drag on.. apparently my mom bought me a phone so i gotta wait until the weekend when i visit her to go get it... two more days... \o/
i wore all pink today (the only non pink article being my socks) and my friend gave me a cute plushie for christmas which i love! he feels so soft..
i'm thinking of getting her a peach amiibo since peach is her fave character. i only wish i could have thought to buy it sooner.
dec. 31 - new years
hm... i was debating whether or not to bother with making a journal entry here when nothing interesting has happened with me lately, but i decided to anyway! happy new years eve to those reading this.
i think i've been doing well this year, aside from a few minor hiccups along the way. my new years resolution is to eat better and to go to the gym and to improve art, and... i think that's kind of been my new years resolution the past five years lol, but i think since i'm in a much better place now, i can actually go about achieving that. my only concern is that art is more hard than working out, and bettering my style/technique is one of my most valued goals. when you go to the gym there is a linear path to take; you know exactly what you need to do and for how long to get certain results.
i just don't know what i want to achieve with my art. i mean, i know what i want; i want my art to be impressive, to make people go 'wow, that's inspirational and i wish i could draw like that!' and also marketable (so i can make $$$ haha), but i don't know how i want it to look exactly? there are so many tons of styles that everyone loves, like the ones with thick lines and soft shading or sketchy lines and messy coloring, the paint-like ones, the ones that look best without shading. cartoon and realistic, western vs. anime. i like the direction my art is taking (cartoony and soft w/ thin lines) but i don't know how i can get to the point where i know exactly which category my art fits into, and if it's even good enough to ask for commissions... i wish i could be like the people who don't care about what their art looks like because they know that they're just growing and learning, but i'm much too nervous and too much of a perfectionist to let myself draw freely. it's like, there's a tiny me in the back of my head that's always telling me to do my lines perfectly, to never just do sketches; but i think i'd benefit from it. i don't know...
anyways, i've been listening to a lot of new music lately! usually i cycle through the same 2 songs on repeat, but since i've made a playmoss account, i've been much more open to trying out new music via playlists. here's some links if anyone's curious:
ariana grande - god is a woman ; i usually really dislike her music funnily enough (i'm just not a huge fan of pop and sometimes her voice sounds weird to me?) but i love this a lot! i really like the imagery too, it's kinda powerful (idk what's going on with that gopher part though??)
canopy climbers - far ; i love the soft feelings this song evokes, it's really nice... it's kinda dreamlike also, and it reminds me of vaguely of another one of my fave songs!
leah jenea - call out my name ; that link is her live performance, which in my opinion is much better than the studio recording because you can really feel her passion and emotion, and it's just so soulful and beautiful.
sandyredd - river ; unfortunately there's not a studio recording, but i love sandyredd's voice in this! it's so powerful and can hit such a nice range. super sad that she didn't get top 10, she totally deserved it.
yesterday i watched annihilation by alex garland with my boyfriend and some friends, and it's one of the best movies i've ever watched, honestly. the set design, the imagery, the metaphors, are all so beautiful and powerful and amazing and refreshing; something you really don't see in sci-fis or even general movies nowadays. i watched this video on it (don't watch it if you haven't seen the movie first), which is actually what made me want to watch it, and even though i was heavily spoiled i was STILL impressed! the soundtrack is so unique and haunting also, and this is one of the few artistic films i've seen that i've adored in the past couple of years (next to mother and hereditary). the only thing i can say that bothered me was this one stupid decision involving a flashlight and that the acting at some times was a little weak. other than that, it was so good, and i really hope more movies like this pop up in the near future that aren't afraid to break the bounds of genre conventions.
i go back to school in two days and i'm not very excited at all about it. i haven't had any projects to do over the break which i'm thankful for, but i can't help but feel super anxious anyway. (;__;) i'm sure it'll all be fine in the end though, and if it isn't, i can just write about it again lol \o/
dec. 25 - christmas
merry christmas to those who celebrate it, and happy holidays otherwise! i've been super stoked about this year's christmas because i had been wishing for a lot of stuff, and boy did it deliver. i'm still waiting on my phone which should be coming soon, so i wasn't able to take pictures. for the sake of this entry i'll use pictures from the internet to show exactly what i got, but i'll probably post photos myself later!
firstly, i want to go over the little things i liked. these include plushies!
this is regina from the kittygurumi series! she's in a koala kigurumi as you can see, and the hood part even comes off! the only difference between the images displayed and my regina is the fact that mine isn't a keychain, but i did in fact get this gudetama keychain:
he looks so tired and funny, and he's soft to the touch, i love it! next up we've got the pusheen coffee-book plushie:
which i was super excited to get. i'm a huge pusheen fan and i have a good deal of clothing with her image on them; however, this is my first plushie of hers, and it's a great addition! she's also got a neat holographic tag which goes well with my collection! (not sure if holographic is the right word though, it's like the kind that displays a different image if you move it back and forth)
those are all the plushies i got. i also received a ton of pajamas and socks, a white coat, cute fuzzy monster slippers:
a ddlc natsuki shirt from omocat:
this pusheen x care bears skirt from japanLA:
some essential oil roller balls from potions and possibilities (no images i could find though), and i'm waiting on a couple of more things in the mail. namely, these lolita martins:
and some other fairy kei clothing (a skirt and leggings). unfortunately, an astolfo figure order i had been waiting on was cancelled so i'll probably have to reorder it from another place soon. there was also this cute figure of lunchbox-chan:
and this tamagotchi!
but anyways! back to the main, huge gift that i had been waiting for months for... the one... that will save me from all the horrible shitty laptops i've cycled through all my internet-surfing life...
this magnificent beast. the keyboard and mouse light up and change colors and god, it's just so gorgeous. they're from corsair but the tower itself is different, it's from cyberpowerpc and looks like this:
when i saw it, i wanted to scream, it's just so awesome! setting it up wasn't difficult at all, but i was a little worried about all the millions of instructions and discs, heh... my friend is also giving me one of her spare overwatch accounts which is awesome, and i'll get some other games afterwards (ni no kuni + ff). i'm eternally grateful and pleased with all of the gifts i got, ahh i'm so happy. (=^.^=) i hope everyone else also had an awesome day today!!
dec. 24 - appreciation + happiness
"what should i write about for my first entry?"
so... thank you for deciding to read this entry firstly, i don't really know how to write these... i've kept journal diaries for a very short while in my childhood years but i never kept up with them and i don't know where my last one went. it was a hot focus diary like this: and i miss it dearly. maybe one day i'll find it, by the grace of a higher power...
moving on; it's 12:15 at midnight and i'm getting kinda tired, um, i haven't really done much today. i've just been talking to my boyfriend and other friends and playing league and editing my site, and drawing some! i'm thinking tomorrow i wanna get out and take a walk, ahh i wish i could take pictures but my phone got bricked recently and i can't do anything without it. there aren't many metroPCS's around where i am (i hate iphones ):<) so getting another phone might take another week or something, but i could probably just describe with words whatever it is i saw or experienced if i want to!
today is day three of having not cried, and i'm pretty proud of myself even if it sounds kinda silly. i've been having a really rough emotional time and i've been majorly depressed for a little over a month and as a result, i've ...cried every day. but that stopped three days ago and i'm really glad! i couldn't have done it without the support of anjel, and i think i'm going to be fine. on a lighter note, something awesome that i've been thinking about but never properly thought i could express is how much i love neocities. i've started spending so much time here ever since i made this website; i've always seen it around and saw some links to it from people on other social media, but i never got around to making one until recently. the way people interact on here and how kind everyone seems just makes me feel really happy, i don't know... we just... update our pages, offering links to recipes or games or other cool websites, and people leave likes and also leave replies to statuses and stuff... i just wish there was a way to be even more interactive, but i guess i'll have to figure um... something out. i think maybe i'll look for some kind of chatbox code to implement? i don't know! but back on track... it's 12:33, and my boyfriend just bought skyrim and he's playing around with it. i think he's so cute, really, i love his laugh.
ah hm, i still have quite a lot to do with this website. i'm thinking:
and some other stuff that i can't think of right now because it's 12:36 and my mind is very slow, like ocean waves pulling back from the sand... uhh... i have to add more info now to the updates page, like how i just made the tabs on my about page and whatnot... i really hope whatever i wrote was coherent...
i had a dream that i was in a prison filled with other children, and some person was reciting to us how there would be an animal that would come and take one of our body parts or just straight up kill us, which was frightening. i remember the facility we were in was very similar to a hospital and we wore white gowns and those same hospital wrist bands that displays your birthday and name. anyways, i remembered in specific that there kept being imagery of something being impaled and stuck to the very top of a pole in the hospital and also later throughout the dream, but i'll get to that later.
me and the other kids didn't want to, you know, get our limbs taken, so i ran out the front door and did some crazy parkour over low-fences that were said to be electric (but they actually just had christmas lights on them?) and i made it out. none of the other kids followed me, but they did in fact get out and get into cars.
so i'm climbing these really tall fences, just trying to get away from the facility, and there was a man's house. i can recognize that this man is a bad man, he's ...i'm pretty sure he's a cannibal and he's keeping someone in his basement? i think to eat. i maneuver around the back entrance of the house while the man's wife is on the porch, talking to police? and while i'm in the back, i see this secret lever that reveals the basement, and so i leave because my work has been done. the wife discovers whatever's in her husband's basement and i hear her screaming in terror as i'm walking away...
all the other kids in the facility that escaped were in tiny white cars, like SUPER tiny compact cars that looked futuristic in a way? they congratulate me on helping them get out and also helping that cannibal man see justice. as the children drive off in their small cars, the camera (for lack of a better word) pans up to the sight of someone being impaled by a wooden stake and pinned to the very top of a cable pole, dripping blood from the wound. it was night time.
me and the other children meet up at a rave outside, dancing. i remember looking at the grass beneath my feet. a tiny red dot shows up on one of the kid's chest and he's like, what is this? none of us know until he's shot and killed by a sniper resting at the top of one of the tall, tall fences and we all run for our lives. we're in the center of the rave so we all try to get to the end, and while we're all running to get to one of the fences, some of the kids are dying/being shot. i make it to the end, and the sniper comes down from his spot on the fence, walking past us and talking about some things i don't remember. i just remember being terrified and thinking about using a spoon to scoop out the dirt underneath me to make a tunnel, but also being too claustrophobic to do so.
i don't particularly remember how we all got out, but i do remember there was a high speed chase where everyone but myself and a girl died. the sniper guy kept chasing us so me and the girl split directions; the sniper continued to chase me. he chased me into his house where he shot me in the shoulder with a very tiny bullet, no thicker than a mechanical pencil's graphite. i'm still coughing up blood however, and i ask him what he wants from me. he doesn't answer, he tells me instead that he's 13 and his brother is 14. i'm super surprised that he's only 13, because he always looked like a grown man, or something. anyways, he lets me live, and we go to the movie theater.
in the movie theater, some people are handing out some copies of DSi videogames. i remember the woman handing them out gave me a huge stack, and said "don't keep them" or something. she wanted me to just look them over and then put the games into a black garbage bag. i remember seeing a hamtaro game with a small project: jhin decal on it and i wanted it so badly, but i threw it into the black bag anyways. i then saw a cute game with colorful, pastel anime girls on the front cover so i kept that one, trying to set down the huge stack so i could also look for the project: jhin hamtaro game.
timeskip, and me and david dobrick are friends. we're watching a movie in the very front row of the theater and he's on the floor in front of me, and i'm running my fingers through his hair. we're talking about whatever, i don't really remember, but i remember loving him and thinking he was very cute. some other guy in the row behind me and on the opposite side called me over to talk about league.
after the movie's over, david and i (this is so stupid) were lying in bed next to each other and i remember being SO warm. i was sweating so much but i didn't get out of the covers for some reason, and david and i continue to talk about whatever it is we were talking about in the theater.
i'm convinced this is the second longest dream i've ever had.